I am a lover of books, and I ordered some books from a certain online retailer. At the time they mostly sold books, but now they sell absolutely everything. I welcome their retail domination, especially since going to the store is so unpleasant with the crowding here in the Seattle area, and gas prices keep rising.

My books arrived, but when I opened the box I found a bizarre surprise inside. Included with my order was part of a colony of ants (which I did not order.) The poor suckers were either smashed on and inside my books or scrambling frantically to save their little white larva.

Nobody prepares you for what to do with a box full of ant books, so I circled around making strange noises before I set the whole gory scene in the recycle bin outside the back door until I could figure out what to do.

I called the beloved company’s fantastic customer service line and they were just as surprised as I was. They instructed me to throw away the whole lot – nothing could be salvaged unless I wanted to look at ant guts – and promptly sent me new books. The representative shared with me that the boxing process for books is fully automated and the machines probably don’t scan for a rogue ant colony who had appropriated the shipping stack before selecting a box. She said she would inform the appropriate department and I ultimately left the unfortunate scene to the recycling company.

RIP my three books. RIP you crazy ants.